Harry Potter and the Weed That Set Out to Kill Him
by devention
Summary: Harry Potter, Neville, Ron, and Hermoine are killed by the Deadly Albino Weed due to Harry's inability to follow simple instructions and his bizarre daydreams. Written by my friend Lyra Snagganoodle who dislikes Ron's movie counterpart. Enjoy. ONE SHOT


**Harry Potter **

**And the Weed That Set Out to **

**Kill Him and Succeeded**

Year **6** of Hogwarts

"Now class," began Professor Sprout, "today we will be learning about the rare Deadly Albino Weed, mainly its dangers with improper uses. I assume you all purchased the Magical Grow-A-Lot soil on your lists?"

A chorus of "Yes, Pf. Sprout" arouse. Pf. Sprout's eyes turned to the one person whose voice she didn't hear, which was odd because it was usually the one screaming about crazy dreams concerning You-Know-Who.

"Harry Potter, didn't you purchase your soil?"

Harry snapped out of a dream in which he was flying on a sea turtle and Lord Voldemort was packing snowballs with Wormtail.

"Um, well, after I "accidentally" set Dudley's room on fire with purple flames that couldn't be put out with water, the Dursely's said they'd only take me to Muggle shops, so instead I got Miracle Grow. "

"Bloody hell!" chimed in Harry's obnoxious best friend Ron. "That was brilliant Harry!"

Pf. Sprout ignored him and continued.

"Alright, now, take your Weed seeds and cover them with dirt immediately. They react strangely to the light, and if in sun for more then five seconds, they start to turn ugly. And remember class, they react strangely to loud noises. Ready, go!"

The lazy September sun shone through the lengthy windows of Green House #7. Harry Potter hadn't been listening to most of Sprout's instructions accept for "GO", so he looked at Hermione Granger, only to discover she was already done.

He turned his gaze towards Ron, who was slower than Hermione, but faster than Harry. Once Potter understood what to do, he opened his bag and took out the seeds, and when he was just about to put them in the hole he'd dug in his Miracle Grow, he scar began to hurt.

"AHHH!" he bellowed.

The seeds had now been exposed for five seconds, and in desperation, Harry flung them into the hole. In the process, he knocked into Neville Longbottom, who sneezed into Harry's pot, which startled Ron so much, he screamed "LUMOS OLAMP!" at the top of his lungs, aiming his wand at the weed also.

The germs of Neville, coupled with the fire created by Ron, coupled with the seeds over-exposure to light, coupled with Harry's scream and their dislike of loud noises, coupled with the fact that it was MIRACLE GROW, rather than the advised brand would momentarily turn the weed into a monster.

But first we must reflect on the facts: 1.) Weeds grow fast, and 2.) Weeds grow faster in Miracle Grow. Not to mention the five things already said.

The result of this concoction was, to say the least, a disaster. Out of the soil, a tiny little white weed sprung. At first, Harry believed that he had done a rare thing for him: completed the assignment successfully. This stupid assumption turned out to be a fatal mistake. The Deadly Albino Weed began growing at a remarkable speed, every second it gained another foot until it was FIFTEEN FEET TALL! Then, facial features began to from: first, two savage green mutant eyes, followed by a nose, sniffing for food, and finally, a mouth with giant teeth, grinning madly.

"Water," croaked the monster, which Harry affectionately named Steven. "I need water. Where is it?"

"Human bodies are 90 water!" offered Hermione Granger.

"Thank you, child," Steven replied with a grin. "I suppose I won't eat you first."

The class screamed in terror, all except Harry who was, at the moment, on the back of a black panther underground, with Lord Voldemort hosting a BBQ for Death Eaters in which they all partook in the dancing of the hula.

"What?" questioned Harry when he saw their looks of panic.

"Bloody hell Harry," screeched Ron, "that bloody brilliant weed said he eat us all! I want me Mum!"

So, slowly, Steven descended down upon the classmates, picking them off one by one, until only Harry, Ron, and myself (the scribe) were left. Using "Engine, Engine, #9," the Weed chose to eat Harry first. When finished, he advanced towards Ron.

"Bloody HELL! Weed-Bloke, that was BLOODY BRIL-"

Thankfully, the weed squashed Ron before he could finish, for, as Steven put it, idiocy was bad for his digestion.

"I should know," he continued, "because after crunching up that Harry boy, my stomach had a temporary cramp."

Like all good fan fictions, this story must have a conclusion. However, Steven is not so sympathetic, and he is coming towards me now, and he's not buying my excuse, maybe he could wait for me to finish… no? Sure? I can make a mean pancake? Omelet? Eggs Benedi---

The End-

(Not only of the story, but also Harry Potter, so don't expect a 7th Book)


End file.
